Thursday, May 10, 2012
Post influenza huskiness put to profitable use
“Hello and welcome to Call 1800-UGH for your dose of sensual reality....Kath speaking.”
“Er, hi. What do you, um do?”
“I’m glad you asked, er – what’s your name....?”
(Pause). “Trevor. Yes, it’s Trevor.”
“Okay, ‘Trevor’, this is the deal. I describe to you a typical Wednesday night for long-time-married couples. No soft rock soundtrack or flattering lighting but all the squelches, stumbles and housekeeping requirements of the real thing. You are my star in this particular scenario, my darling. All you need to do is sit back and listen. Does that float your boat?”
“I can see (taps away at the keyboard) that your credit card number has been approved, thanks for that Trevor. Shall I start?”
(Louder this time) “Yes!”
"Trevor? Are you ready for bed? Thanks for putting the bins out, love.
Why dontcha log off the computer and make yourself nice? The dishwasher’s on, Cody’s staying over at Jackson’s and Zoe is already dead-to-the-world with her Skype headphones twisted around to cover her eyes instead of her ears. It's only 9:30pm and there's nothing good on TV. (in a sing-song voice) It’s Wed-nes-daaaaaaaay.....
Oh sweet heart..... you flossed!
But could you – before you jump in – fold up your trousers and put them on the chair? Unless they’re dirty and then could you put them in the hamper? Loveypuss, I know you'd rather whip them over your head like a lasso before flinging them out into the hallway and it was hilarious and erotic the first time you did it but not now. And can you close the door - you know how curious the dog gets.
.........No, I’m not trying to spoil the moment but it is hard to feel raunchy when you’ve got to shake the dust bunnies off a heap of clothes in the morning and squeeze them into the second load.......
Let’s try again, shall we? You wait here – no, don’t start without me – while I go for a twinkle and clean my teeth....."
(clearing his throat) "What are you doing now?"
"Bear with me, Trevor dearest. I'm going through my nightly ablutions. You don't want almond meal between my two remaining teeth or have to dodge my dragon breath, do you?"
(Hurriedly) "Definitely not. Continue. Please."
"Alrighty, Trevor. Don’t you DARE turn on the reading light or I will not leave this ensuite!
There. I’m in. Oh yeah, the tap water is cold, isn’t it. Guess I should have rubbed my hands together for a minute or two before touching you.
Feel your way baby. That’s not a spare tyre, they’re speed bumps on the ride of your life.
What the....? Never mind, a bandaid just slipped off your elbow. Are we shagging or swimming, heh heh.....
Ooops, pardon me. All this thrusting ends up pushing a bit of gas out.
Sorry about my legs, too. Forgot to shave them this week, so it seems like we’ve sort of created a weird hairy Velcro effect, haven’t we....?"
"Oh Kath, you've nailed it; you really have. I'll be back again next Wednesday."