Sunday, July 08, 2012

Dafuq?

Milly and I were doing our usual morning walk in Parc de Trembley.

I nodded and said "Bonjour" to the old guy who is seemingly welded to a smokers' seat at Urban Sand, the tiny coffee shop next to our building that has recently revealed that it contains the city's best baked cheesecake.

We greeted our friends the two lovely gardeners, busy emptying the bins. Milly rushed over for a pat and they wanted to chat about the tennis. "Andy Murray he, er, yells at himself too much. Pfffth! Too much self love. One more for our Roger, eh."

We steered past the tiny 'Off lead' dog paddock so that Milly and her foe the Alsatian weren't close enough to act out their angry dance of snapping at each others' noses through the chicken wire and I idly wondered again just why the Swiss Crapaud Crew chose fireworks and iced tea as their night time activities.

But today, on top of the hill with the best view of the St Pierre cathedral, Mont Blanc and Jet D'Eau, was a man with his chin pointing to the sky. He was oblivious to the scenery spread out before him as he was busy shaving. 

Dry shaving. No water, no towel, no cream. I could hear the scritch-scritch-scritch of rasping skin and stiff bristles as we passed.

Not sure if he got lucky and was doing a few quick ablutions on the way home as he was too neatly dressed to be homeless. Then again, how many blokes would carry a disposable razor in their back pocket before hitting the dance floor....?

Further down the hill, next to the nude lady missing a hand as she busily fished in the primary school pond was a man lying next to her.



Nothing overtly untoward was happening. On his back, a sports bag was shoved under his head for a pillow and his eyes were closed in the morning sun that was already bright and warm. Like our brave shaver, he was also well clothed, but not in night time threads. Posh campers, neat chinos and checked shirt indicated that he was ready for a day of sightseeing, starting with getting on the Number Three bus whose stop was close by.

Milly didn't deem him worthy of a closer inspection; not when a Jack Russell was approaching from the opposite direction. She knew from past experience that I am a sucker for a cute dog and she therefore had to emit a few fierce growls to get the other dog's owner to pass by giving a wide berth and removing all opportunities for conversation or contact. On no account whatsoever am I to touch or utter any endearments to any other dog, especially if they're on a lead. To date, no explanation has been forthcoming as to why the lead is such a red rag to anger and jealousy.

Around the corner, Milly's fears immediately dissolved as she scampered over to investigate the swathe of soft green grass that was now weirdly pock-marked all over with perfect black squares.

On closer inspection, we saw that they had been caused by coals from portable grills.

My two gardening and tennis fan friends would not be pleased to see that the sunny weather meant that their gorgeously manicured lawns would now be impersonating a chess board, but Milly was thrilled. Discarded drum sticks and pork ribs were everywhere and she set to rolling in what appeared to be a puddle of BBQ sauce and olive oil. "NO!"

Luckily, whenever I make to move away, she immediately follows and we walked up the Petit Saconnex hill path towards home.

I didn't see her but Milly sure did.

An eager sun baker, already in her bikini was laid out on her towel was soaking up the rays, her gorgeously slender body coated in coconut oil that was a siren song to my dog's nose. And tongue.

Before I could comprehend what was happening, Milly had shot over like an orange flame, slurped the girl across her stomach and hooned back before I could scold her.

The girl sat up in shock but Milly was already by my side a hundred metres away, goofy grin on her face. I wheeled around 180 degrees so that we were too far and at the wrong angle to be given the blame.

"You funny little dog," I said, patting her before realising that my hand now touched yesterday's oily BBQ lunch leftovers rubbed deep into her coat. "Good thing she just got a lick and not a full back roll from you!" 



13 comments:

Pandora Behr said...

Love it, love it, love it. I'm getting woken to a cold, wet, nose somewhere on my body at the moment.

Onya, Millie.

Great piece.

nuttynoton said...

your walks are so entertaining, as for the sunbather, she is probably still wondering what happened!
Lucky you to have sunshine unlike a very wet England!

Hannah said...

Aaaaaah!! Oh Kath, I desperately needed a laugh today! Oh mercy!

River said...

ha Ha! Speedy and sneaky, that's Milly.

Jayne said...

LMAO
Have just recounted Milly's adventure to the Tribe, who are all giggling madly at the thought!

diane b said...

Millie sure makes your morning walk interesting. She's a bit cheeky , she probably gets it from you. Like the panned shot of her. You could write a story including all these characters that you meet.

Kath Lockett said...

Pandora, Milly's a fan of hand moisturiser too, so I do feel an occasional lick in the middle of the night if my hand hangs over the edge of the bed.

Nutty, we've had glorious sunny weather here - 26C today and 27C tomorrow.....

My pleasure, Hannah.

River, she is pretty fast for an athritic-at-age-three muttley with a face that's getting whiter each day. I can still see her old speed and grace when she makes a mad dash for a squirrel or an eager sun worshipper.

Jayne, she did a similar thing a few years back when we were renovating our kitchen in Adelaide. The plumber was under the sink, bum crack on show and Milly seized the opportunity to streak past and give it a swift lick. He squealed like a surprised six year old and banged his head on the drainpipe!

That's not a bad idea, Dianeb - I often wonder if writing a book from the dog's perspective would be worth trying.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Kath,

Dry shaving? In the park? How weird...

:0)

Cheers

PM

drb said...

LOL
Milly should be crowned "Milly the Malice". ;-)

Kath Lockett said...

I thought so too, PlasMan, and haven't seen him since. Perhaps it was a spur of the moment decision: "I'm going to get all zen and in the moment and shave in the morning sun" and instantly regretted when his face got all blotchy afterwards....?

Awww, drb, she's not a 'malice'! She made friends with three young UN interns on the bus today. She didn't approach them but sat there with her tail wagging, big smile, looking generally adorable. They gathered around her in seconds.

ropcorn said...

Lol! Bad dog. ;-) Lisen also takes every opportunity she gets to snatch leftovers outside if she can. Sounds like you two had a really lovely walk though. And from the way you describe it, I feel like I was there on the walk with you both. :-)

Anji said...

I've decided I'm going to come back as a dog. Milly seems to lead a most interesting life


ExposeYourBlog! Joining up bloggers for over two years.

Kath Lockett said...

Thanks Ropcorn. Milly mostly finds bits of stale baguette so I guess a coconut oil-slicked stomach was an exciting bonus.

Anji, there's a great deal of sleeping and snoring in between the adventures which, come to think of it, also isn't a bad thing.